Char Ellesse’s Vision Of Love

What is your definition of love?

My definition of love is a full understanding and acceptance of someone. It’s a never-ending journey towards a feeling of euphoria, whether that’s to do with yourself, something that you love, or someone that you love. It’s just this warm feeling of euphoria. 

How soon do you know if you like a person?

It really depends on the person, and it definitely varies from person to person, and also depends on what type of love it is, and what type of relationship it is. But I think in general it’s just as soon as I have a feeling of being comfortable. Also, one thing that I pick up on is whether my inner child comes out around that person. I think that’s when it’s like, “Yeah, okay, you really love this person.”

What is more important to you? Romantic love or other kinds of love?

In terms of the importance of different types of love, I feel like other types of love, over romantic love, are important to me. I think the foundation of loving yourself through other people is quite risky when it’s only premised on romantic love. So for me personally, I focus on my friendships and my family. A really important person to me is my sister; we feel like twins, even though there are six years between us. But that, to me, is one of the most important loves that I have. I think that trumps all, as long as I have my sister and my best friend in my life, then I feel fulfilled in love.

How has this perception of love, and of being so close to these people in your life, influenced your work? 

The love that I have received from people, who in turn I love so much, definitely influences my work, because I feel like it is at the heart of everything that I do. My best friend and my sister are always helping me – my sister feels like the other half of my brain and she is definitely a really important factor in everything that I do. 

How have your relationships shaped your work?

Relationships, whether they are romantic, friendship or family, have shaped my work, because since I was younger I have always been obsessed with connecting with people, and I am constantly intrigued by other people’s stories and even just seeing how their brains work. At the forefront of the work that I do with girlswillbeboys is this idea of passing the mic so that other people can share their experiences. 

Through having different types of relationships, I’ve met different types of people, and that has opened my eyes to different worlds and modes of thinking. So it’s definitely influenced me in the sense of it making me intrigued and wanting to learn more, grow more and just open my eyes to different people’s realities. And I wouldn’t have that if I hadn’t connected with so many different types of people through relationships. 

My mum was very influential in how I love

Do you think your conception of love has been socially conditioned?

I don’t think my conception or perception of love has been socially conditioned. I feel like actually it has come from my mum, my nan, and the relationship that I have with my family. That’s where I first experienced love. I feel like there are some ideas of what I feel I want, or I am missing, that I can see in other people’s version of love, and sometimes I do take that on. But because my first experience of love came from my mum, and my family, then that’s where I always go back to. 

What is the kind of love that your family, and your mum specifically, instilled in you?

My mum was very influential in how I love. I don’t want to make myself cry, but she has always pushed this idea of unconditional love and acceptance. She always says that, even if she doesn’t understand something, she’ll respect it. That is how I’ve moved forward in loving other people; taking the time, even if I cannot fully understand something, to at least respect it. That’s definitely a massive influence from the way that my mum loves me. 

She will always be proud of you, no matter what you do, as long as you’re a good person – she always said, “The only thing I wished for when I had kids was that they would be good people.” She’s like a warm hug. I think that’s definitely influenced me because everyone has flaws, and you can’t understand everyone if it’s not your own experience, but if you can at least respect it, then it’s easier to reach some kind of middle ground. 

How has that early love that you learnt evolved as you’ve grown up and been exposed to different types of people and scenarios?

I’ve definitely struggled a lot with self-love and romantic relationships, even though I had the foundation of my mum saying that she loved me as I am, and that I am great as I am. Desirability politics is something that I’ve struggled with a lot, and my journey of my sexuality. I feel that I’m still on that journey – it doesn’t really stop. I think I saw a quote from the model and activist Munroe Bergdorf that said, “Sexuality is a journey”, and it is, for everyone. 

It’s definitely hard to move through the world as a dark-skinned Black woman and love yourself, and to not feel that you’re being shunned for things that don’t really make sense. So that’s definitely been a struggle of mine. I know that it has been a feature of my relationships as well, because how much you love yourself will affect how much you can love other people, or how much you can show up for them. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Then also, having been brought up by a strong, dark-skinned Black woman, and seeing the love that she gives and receives, it helps to be able to think back to that and say, “No, you do deserve this, and it is possible for you.”

We all love in different ways

How do you navigate the politicised nature of love and desire as a Black woman?

It’s very difficult to navigate. I have conversations with other Black women who feel the same, and I think that feeling that I have some kind of solidarity in what I am going through, although it doesn’t take it away, it at least validates my experience and what is happening. So I think again, just focusing on those foundational relationships, and the other pillars of who you are and how you love. Then having blind faith and hoping that if you just continue moving forward, knowing your worth and what you deserve, then love will come to you eventually. When it comes to love, I don’t want to be 90 years old in a nursing home, but I also don’t want to take what is not for me just to feel something.